I find it difficult to post some days. I think for two reasons. First because I want to be fair and even honorable to my husband. There are so many things that don't need to be aired, certainly not every grievance or hurt. My feelings ebb and flow just like anyone else. Hothead one day and relatively calm the next. To unload however I may be feeling, whatever the circumstance seems unwise. Like not keeping my tongue in check. This is hard. I know I can have bad days and that is ok. I just don't want to get stuck there. Mooning is never pretty.
Second, I have this fear of telling things only to have them disproved later. That must seem ludicrous. It does to me. The past several months my husband, henceforth known as G, would repeatedly tell me his affair was over. It wasn't. Each time was gut wrenching. As I read back through those journal entries sometimes I want to shake myself or at least shake my head. Those are completely private--it is only my head shaking. Here, it feels so much more vulnerable. An openness for all to see me played the fool. (at least that is how it can feel.) And yet..
And yet, I can't help but wonder if someday I will be glad for small reminders. For markers along this journey reminding me of God's unwavering faithfulness. Ebeneazers to his goodness and love. I have bowed to his will and I know that even with hindsight there is very little I would do differently.
Sometimes, to trust is to look foolish. To hope the most insane thing of all. I'm sure it felt that way to the disciples at Golgotha. It must have felt very long--those two silent nights, creation holding it's breath. No light on the horizon, only blackest black. And then, a miracle. The miracle. Hope burst forth from the unlikeliest place, death. Every small hope is dim in the fulfillment of our true Hope.
Perhaps it is no bad thing to just share. With discernment and wisdom. But hope should be shared. It is best shared. I'll try my best. Please forgive any moony-ness. If you find this blog because you are in a similar situation--please, please know you are not alone. Please do not lose hope. God delights in doing the impossible. He is good and trustworthy.
He. is. faithful.
"Hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently."
Romans 8:24
Beautiful post. I am still praying. Hang in there and keep being honest.
ReplyDeleteIn answer to your question, Yes, Haley really did do this. Luckily my husband cleaned it up a bit for me. He had a little bit of hair cut training while in seminary.
Love ya,
Brandy :)