Coming out

I am a lurker. I'm not a fan of the word. It sounds so ominous. Maybe even sinister. Certainly, not something one would aspire to.

In this imaginary world I am constantly astounded. From my study I can be encourage, challenged, laugh, cry and just sit there with my jaw slack saying, " what? You too? I thought I was the only one." (I'm pretty sure that C.S. Lewis did not have the internet in mind when he wrote that. ) I am so grateful for the mighty ways I have been ministered to.

But for some reason I don't comment. Very rarely. Very, very rarely. I'm not exactly sure why. I'm sure it says a lot about my personality. Hanging back, scared to put myself too far out there. Fear of...rejection...failure...just plain freakiness. The very same reasons I post infrequently. Or don't make the first phone call. Or just reach out to someone new.

I'm sure I miss out on so much. I want to change that. I really do. I haven't found much of a voice yet. But there's something there. Where there was silence there are now whispers and longings. I want to connect and share and laugh and...well just be plain old crazy with kindred spirits.

Or at least dare to put myself out there and remember that, really, it's not at all about me. Why do I forget that so often? Why is it so hard to see past me? Are my filters so unusual or do you have the same problem?

So, for Brandy ;), thank you for commenting faithfully. You make me smile every time you do. And for any lurkers out there--I totally get you. But I think I will start going to lurkers anonymous and get some help. Maybe I'll see you there. Hi my name is rebecca and I think about myself way too much.

For anyone who is praying for me (Brandy!), first of all, THANK YOU!!! Please keep praying for my marriage. I think G is almost ready to come home. He is really in a rough place right now. Please pray that he would get a job and that God would heal him--that he would be able to discern truth and be able to see clearly. I see God working mightily and am very hopeful. I know we still have so very far to go but I am confident that God will not leave us in this place. Please pray for the steps that are before us--for forgiveness from my family, for reconciliation and restoration. Pray that the children will not have lasting trauma from this time. Mostly pray that God gets much glory and praise--that, somehow, this will point to him and he will get all the credit for any good that comes. Thank you. You have no idea how much your prayers mean. Thank you. If I can have the honor of praying for you please leave a comment or email me at rdswood at verizon dot net

I know, I know

It's so annoying when people don't post regularly. (not that I have anyone to annoy.)

They lower cholesterol too...

This isn't what I had in mind when I said we were having breakfast for dinner.

Notice how proud of himself he is. I don't think his sisters helped anything by laughing at him.

I never realized how pervasive cheerio dust is.

Faithful

I find it difficult to post some days. I think for two reasons. First because I want to be fair and even honorable to my husband. There are so many things that don't need to be aired, certainly not every grievance or hurt. My feelings ebb and flow just like anyone else. Hothead one day and relatively calm the next. To unload however I may be feeling, whatever the circumstance seems unwise. Like not keeping my tongue in check. This is hard. I know I can have bad days and that is ok. I just don't want to get stuck there. Mooning is never pretty.

Second, I have this fear of telling things only to have them disproved later. That must seem ludicrous. It does to me. The past several months my husband, henceforth known as G, would repeatedly tell me his affair was over. It wasn't. Each time was gut wrenching. As I read back through those journal entries sometimes I want to shake myself or at least shake my head. Those are completely private--it is only my head shaking. Here, it feels so much more vulnerable. An openness for all to see me played the fool. (at least that is how it can feel.) And yet..

And yet, I can't help but wonder if someday I will be glad for small reminders. For markers along this journey reminding me of God's unwavering faithfulness. Ebeneazers to his goodness and love. I have bowed to his will and I know that even with hindsight there is very little I would do differently.

Sometimes, to trust is to look foolish. To hope the most insane thing of all. I'm sure it felt that way to the disciples at Golgotha. It must have felt very long--those two silent nights, creation holding it's breath. No light on the horizon, only blackest black. And then, a miracle. The miracle. Hope burst forth from the unlikeliest place, death. Every small hope is dim in the fulfillment of our true Hope.

Perhaps it is no bad thing to just share. With discernment and wisdom. But hope should be shared. It is best shared. I'll try my best. Please forgive any moony-ness. If you find this blog because you are in a similar situation--please, please know you are not alone. Please do not lose hope. God delights in doing the impossible. He is good and trustworthy.

He. is. faithful.

"Hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently."

Romans 8:24

Randomness

Brrrr. It is cold outside today. I guess most of the east coast is saying that. I wish I could also say that is was snowing a couple feet. It is not.

I made the worst cookies in the world yesterday. Seriously, I don't know that I have made something that bad in years. They were pumpkin cookies. They were awful. I really don't know what to do with them now. I don't have a dog. The kids won't eat them. It would be cruel to inflict them on anyone.

On the flip side I made some yummy bar cookie today.

I got some beautiful shots of E. and BabyChub today. M. was already at school. It was nice light though. And, no, I haven't downloaded them yet. Lazy, remember. Really, tired is what it is, but whatever.

My mom, sister and I went out last night for their birthdays. It was really great to have girl time. We had a blast even though we were the only fools at the outdoor mall on the coldest night of the year.

Ok. I think that does it for my randomness. I need to go to bed soon. I'm done tuckered out. (if only you could hear me laughing right now. I crack me up.....sorry.)

Hmm. Which cliche to choose...

I am so overwhelmed today by the providence of God. Not in the 'ooh, that bumper sticker says just what I needed!' sort of way. In the big sense. The eternal sense.

I have been mourning the loss of Joe this week. Wishing I could have met him in person. Sat under his counsel and had a conversation with him. Gleaned from him. Part of me wanted to cry out--it's not fair. (Yes. I am that selfish. sigh.)

And then. And. Then. God showed me the most wonderful picture. All the dear, amazing people I am currently surrounded by have sat under Joe. They have walked parts of their journeys with him, gleaning and learning. And now I walk my journey drinking from the same cup. That same refreshment is poured over me.

Because, really, it's not Joe. It's Christ. It's his wisdom and teaching. His patience and faithfulness. His gentleness that pries my hands from the very things that would kill me. His voice in the cold, lonely nights. His word that is balm; he binds up my wounds and teaches me to dance again. He gives me a voice and the song to sing.

I am grateful for the old souls. The Joes in this world. The messy, battered, humble, weathered signposts that point to something bigger. Something real and eternal. I am grateful for a God that gives us one another to share this road together. What divine mercy and grace that teaches us to love. A lifetime to practice for an eternity with Him.

No. She didn't eat it.

I won't say much tonight. I have been going nonstop all day and still have quite a bit of work to do. There is a lot I'd like to spew forth. I just need to get it a bit more sorted in my head. So. I think I'll just go now and leave you with this little exchange while I was on the phone with my sis-in-law.

E: Can I eat this?
Me: What? Can you...what?
E: Can I eat this? It was on the feeoor. (floor)
Me: Um. NO. No. You may not eat that thing from the floor.
E: Actually it wasn't on the feeoor. It was on the couch.
Me: OK. Well, you still may not eat it.
E: What if I wipe the brown thing off? Then can I?
Me: ......no. (suppressing giggles bc sis in law is cracking up.)

What said object was...apparently a fruit snack of some sort. Go ahead. Like you don't find stray larry cucumber fruit snacks in your couch. Sure. Sure you don't. I'm sure it's spotless under the carseats in your minivan too. Yeah. Me too.

Beacon

The last weekend in June my life changed forever. Everything I thought I knew was irrevocably turned on it's head. I have been clinging to the scattered remains ever since. Trying to make sense of things that just don't make sense. Trying to somehow manage a home and three kids while often wanting desperately to hide under the covers. Trying to remember to breathe and trust and forgive and not get swept under these waves threatening to crush me. Watching my marriage implode, wanting to fix it or save it or, even, deny the reality of it. But in these murky waters it is lost and gone.

One huge beacon has been a man named Joe. The same weekend I discovered the affair, Joe discovered he had stage four melanoma. He has blogged for the past several months; sharing his battle with grace, humor and tremendous insight. He has consistently pointed to the Author and Perfector of our faith. To the One who not only sees our struggles but walks through the fire with us.

His posts have often been so timely for me. Providing just what I needed to hear or be reminded of. As I have prayed for the healing of my marriage and family, I have also prayed for the healing of this dear soul. Today he received full healing. Unfortunately, not as any of us would have wanted. Joe went home to be with his Savior today. I will miss my beacon tremendously. But I am glad that he got to celebrate this Sabbath fully. I am glad he is free from pain.

It will be a wonderful day to finally awaken and know that not only are there no more tears, but no more need of them.

These mashed potatoes are soo creamy...

Today was crazy family day. I suppose you may take that any way you like. Essentially we celebrated three birthdays. There was a pathetic little half cake and cupcakes. As my sister put it "This makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever." It is her birthday. I am prone to agree with her but since the whole dual cake smorgasbord was my idea I guess I should stick by it. Though, really, it made no sense.

We all went out to eat at a steakhouse. Of course, the girls had to go to the bathroom where the following exchange occurred:

M: "Look at all this brown. Just like cows. Since this is a cow restaurant."
E: "Do you think the potties are loud?"(always asks this)
M: "They must really like cows here. I bet only people who like cows eat here."
Me: "I think people who like to eat cows eat here."
M: "Yes. Because cows are made out of chicken. Just like what we eat."

Apparently I should teach them better about where food comes from. Since, you know, all meat comes from chicken. Perhaps we eat at a certain cluck-fil-a a bit too much.

After terrorizing our waiter, we headed back to Gammy and Guk-Guk's house for the above mentioned cake. BabyChub was only too happy to eat cake for the second time this week. This time chocolate. I don't get the feeling he is choosy.

I took lots of photos but am currently too lazy to upload them. I wish cake had the same effect on me as the kids. This post would be much more fun if it did.

Days like today make me miss having a husband around. It is sad for the kids not to have their dad there and I hate being by myself. People always give that pitying look. Even when they are trying not to, it's there. It's rather like showing up without your arm and trying to pretend nothing is wrong. There is no pretending. Something is wrong and it's very obvious.

I don't mean to be a downer. But some days are much harder than others. Today was a hard, sad day. Luckily busy, but still very heavy for me. I keep thinking I will get used to this. I guess it will just take more time. This life is one I never, ever, ever imagined. Not in my wildest nightmare could I have envisioned this. I hate it. But God is faithful. And I am grateful for the many ways he has shown his love and mercy. Even now, I know I wouldn't trade where I'm at. I don't like this valley but I know God more intimately than ever. I see him working. I see him, even when I don't see what's ahead. That's enough. It has to be. And, it is.

I took down the tree today. The kids were sad, not wanting Christmas to end. Not me. This winter has lasted much more than a season. My soul is ready to thaw. I know there is more winter ahead than behind, but today I can almost see the first buds pushing through. I am eager for the sun and warmth and glorious new life. Though I'm still in the long dark, I am leaning toward the light ahead. I am ready for spring.

I got nothing

I never realized how difficult it is to come up with a post each day. (said Rebecca on only her 6th day of the year. Insert maniacal laughter here.)

I'm not sure it's that I have nothing to say. Just nothing that I want to share with the whole world. Not that the whole world is reading. But they could. And therein lies the danger. Too much information is...well, too much. I guess the point is to define too much and write accordingly. Though, even that will be fluid. So, I just spent a paragraph saying absolutely nothing. Your welcome.

To sum up my day would be crazy frustration, insane hope and general tedium. School starts back tomorrow and I am not looking forward to it. I like the slow days of vacation. Too much time in the blasted minivan is not me. I much prefer to keep a more lackadaisical schedule. All the running around of school days feels endless--each day blurring into the next. I guess most of life is like that.

And now I don't know how to stop this drivel. Make it end. Perhaps I do need to go back to school. Or get some coherency. Or bloggy purpose. My kids did nothing outstanding today. They were exceedingly aggravating. Even BabyChub only napped about 20 minutes all day. Yep. That was my whole day. So, perhaps this post is a perfect representation. Boring and endless. Your welcome again. Come back tomorrow for more inane.

"Please Mommy--just stop already!! It's just wrong. Beyond wrong!"

Happy Birthday Baby!

Wow. It's hard to believe it's been a whole year since BabyChub was born. Definitely the hardest of my life. But I am so glad to have my little guy here. He brings so much laughter and joy to our family. His sisters adore him. (perhaps a bit too much!) So, BabyZ, I am so glad to be your Mommy. You are such a funny, silly, strong little man. I'm excited to watch you grow this next year. And your poor sisters--I think you will be able to hold your own very, very soon. Watch out world. Here he comes.

"Risks often appear foolish or even stupid. But hope makes us playful, free and inventive. Hope is not naive desire but a calculated risk that declares, whatever the loss, it is better than remaining where we are."
Dan Allender The Healing Path


Today I feel foolish and stupid. Not playful or inventive. But I know it will pass. And I don't want to remain where I am. Or was. So, as foolish as I may feel, still I will hope.

From the backseat

E: How do the flowers grow?
M: Poop. Lots of poop.
E: What?
M: Poop. And water. And Sunshine. And Poop. That's what the farm animals are for. Oh. And love. You need a lot of love too.
E: Oh.

And I was in the front seat driving them to Gammy's house just cracking up. After that I think the conversation went back to the Diamond castle or my little pony. That's when I check out.

Seriously

ok. Is this thing on? Um. Yeah. This is certainly the oddest thing I have ever done. Ok--not oddest--but strange and slightly intimidating all the same. I doubt that anyone will ever really read this so....well....here goes.

No long post here. I am just so amazingly grateful that 2008 is history. Perhaps I will share more of the craptacularness that embodied the entire year for the whole one of you who may eventually read this. Not today. Today I will just say yeah, it is a new year. Thank God. No. Really. Thank you God. I am grateful to have made it through.

I guess I should write some goals or resolutions or something. Very trite, I know. I'm ok with that. I'm old enough to know I don't do resolutions. I know I have a thousand things I want to do and learn and be and I might as well just start. I guess that is what this is. I have been horrible at keeping up with the kid's milestones and funny stories. Perhaps this will help them to be able to look back and have some...memories and photos and thoughts from me. When they are old enough to care. So that is my goal with this whole blogging thing. To have something a bit more tangible on 'paper'.

There are many other things I hope for this year. I'm not sure if I should document them here. Some are silly or mundane. Some are personal. Some are downright pathetic. I'm sure I could make flylady cry. I've moved on. Well, for posterity, here are a few:

• Take more photos and get better at it
• Go on several hikes
• Get on top of our finances
• Start a business from home (???see above???)
• teach the kids how to take better care of their things
• take the kids to DC and the beach
• Be a better wife, mother, friend, person
• Mostly, I want to see God redeem my marriage into something it has never been. I want to see Him bring beauty from the ashes I am sitting in. I want to see healing of so many hurts and too much pain. I want to see change and bring Him praise and honor, even in this valley of darkness.

Ok. So, all that seems too lofty for me. Perhaps I haven't learned well enough yet about resolutions. But it is a new year. A fresh start. Or at least a new number on the calendar. And for that, I am very, very grateful.