Hmm. Which cliche to choose...

I am so overwhelmed today by the providence of God. Not in the 'ooh, that bumper sticker says just what I needed!' sort of way. In the big sense. The eternal sense.

I have been mourning the loss of Joe this week. Wishing I could have met him in person. Sat under his counsel and had a conversation with him. Gleaned from him. Part of me wanted to cry out--it's not fair. (Yes. I am that selfish. sigh.)

And then. And. Then. God showed me the most wonderful picture. All the dear, amazing people I am currently surrounded by have sat under Joe. They have walked parts of their journeys with him, gleaning and learning. And now I walk my journey drinking from the same cup. That same refreshment is poured over me.

Because, really, it's not Joe. It's Christ. It's his wisdom and teaching. His patience and faithfulness. His gentleness that pries my hands from the very things that would kill me. His voice in the cold, lonely nights. His word that is balm; he binds up my wounds and teaches me to dance again. He gives me a voice and the song to sing.

I am grateful for the old souls. The Joes in this world. The messy, battered, humble, weathered signposts that point to something bigger. Something real and eternal. I am grateful for a God that gives us one another to share this road together. What divine mercy and grace that teaches us to love. A lifetime to practice for an eternity with Him.

No. She didn't eat it.

I won't say much tonight. I have been going nonstop all day and still have quite a bit of work to do. There is a lot I'd like to spew forth. I just need to get it a bit more sorted in my head. So. I think I'll just go now and leave you with this little exchange while I was on the phone with my sis-in-law.

E: Can I eat this?
Me: What? Can you...what?
E: Can I eat this? It was on the feeoor. (floor)
Me: Um. NO. No. You may not eat that thing from the floor.
E: Actually it wasn't on the feeoor. It was on the couch.
Me: OK. Well, you still may not eat it.
E: What if I wipe the brown thing off? Then can I?
Me: ......no. (suppressing giggles bc sis in law is cracking up.)

What said object was...apparently a fruit snack of some sort. Go ahead. Like you don't find stray larry cucumber fruit snacks in your couch. Sure. Sure you don't. I'm sure it's spotless under the carseats in your minivan too. Yeah. Me too.

Beacon

The last weekend in June my life changed forever. Everything I thought I knew was irrevocably turned on it's head. I have been clinging to the scattered remains ever since. Trying to make sense of things that just don't make sense. Trying to somehow manage a home and three kids while often wanting desperately to hide under the covers. Trying to remember to breathe and trust and forgive and not get swept under these waves threatening to crush me. Watching my marriage implode, wanting to fix it or save it or, even, deny the reality of it. But in these murky waters it is lost and gone.

One huge beacon has been a man named Joe. The same weekend I discovered the affair, Joe discovered he had stage four melanoma. He has blogged for the past several months; sharing his battle with grace, humor and tremendous insight. He has consistently pointed to the Author and Perfector of our faith. To the One who not only sees our struggles but walks through the fire with us.

His posts have often been so timely for me. Providing just what I needed to hear or be reminded of. As I have prayed for the healing of my marriage and family, I have also prayed for the healing of this dear soul. Today he received full healing. Unfortunately, not as any of us would have wanted. Joe went home to be with his Savior today. I will miss my beacon tremendously. But I am glad that he got to celebrate this Sabbath fully. I am glad he is free from pain.

It will be a wonderful day to finally awaken and know that not only are there no more tears, but no more need of them.

These mashed potatoes are soo creamy...

Today was crazy family day. I suppose you may take that any way you like. Essentially we celebrated three birthdays. There was a pathetic little half cake and cupcakes. As my sister put it "This makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever." It is her birthday. I am prone to agree with her but since the whole dual cake smorgasbord was my idea I guess I should stick by it. Though, really, it made no sense.

We all went out to eat at a steakhouse. Of course, the girls had to go to the bathroom where the following exchange occurred:

M: "Look at all this brown. Just like cows. Since this is a cow restaurant."
E: "Do you think the potties are loud?"(always asks this)
M: "They must really like cows here. I bet only people who like cows eat here."
Me: "I think people who like to eat cows eat here."
M: "Yes. Because cows are made out of chicken. Just like what we eat."

Apparently I should teach them better about where food comes from. Since, you know, all meat comes from chicken. Perhaps we eat at a certain cluck-fil-a a bit too much.

After terrorizing our waiter, we headed back to Gammy and Guk-Guk's house for the above mentioned cake. BabyChub was only too happy to eat cake for the second time this week. This time chocolate. I don't get the feeling he is choosy.

I took lots of photos but am currently too lazy to upload them. I wish cake had the same effect on me as the kids. This post would be much more fun if it did.

Days like today make me miss having a husband around. It is sad for the kids not to have their dad there and I hate being by myself. People always give that pitying look. Even when they are trying not to, it's there. It's rather like showing up without your arm and trying to pretend nothing is wrong. There is no pretending. Something is wrong and it's very obvious.

I don't mean to be a downer. But some days are much harder than others. Today was a hard, sad day. Luckily busy, but still very heavy for me. I keep thinking I will get used to this. I guess it will just take more time. This life is one I never, ever, ever imagined. Not in my wildest nightmare could I have envisioned this. I hate it. But God is faithful. And I am grateful for the many ways he has shown his love and mercy. Even now, I know I wouldn't trade where I'm at. I don't like this valley but I know God more intimately than ever. I see him working. I see him, even when I don't see what's ahead. That's enough. It has to be. And, it is.

I took down the tree today. The kids were sad, not wanting Christmas to end. Not me. This winter has lasted much more than a season. My soul is ready to thaw. I know there is more winter ahead than behind, but today I can almost see the first buds pushing through. I am eager for the sun and warmth and glorious new life. Though I'm still in the long dark, I am leaning toward the light ahead. I am ready for spring.

I got nothing

I never realized how difficult it is to come up with a post each day. (said Rebecca on only her 6th day of the year. Insert maniacal laughter here.)

I'm not sure it's that I have nothing to say. Just nothing that I want to share with the whole world. Not that the whole world is reading. But they could. And therein lies the danger. Too much information is...well, too much. I guess the point is to define too much and write accordingly. Though, even that will be fluid. So, I just spent a paragraph saying absolutely nothing. Your welcome.

To sum up my day would be crazy frustration, insane hope and general tedium. School starts back tomorrow and I am not looking forward to it. I like the slow days of vacation. Too much time in the blasted minivan is not me. I much prefer to keep a more lackadaisical schedule. All the running around of school days feels endless--each day blurring into the next. I guess most of life is like that.

And now I don't know how to stop this drivel. Make it end. Perhaps I do need to go back to school. Or get some coherency. Or bloggy purpose. My kids did nothing outstanding today. They were exceedingly aggravating. Even BabyChub only napped about 20 minutes all day. Yep. That was my whole day. So, perhaps this post is a perfect representation. Boring and endless. Your welcome again. Come back tomorrow for more inane.

"Please Mommy--just stop already!! It's just wrong. Beyond wrong!"

Happy Birthday Baby!

Wow. It's hard to believe it's been a whole year since BabyChub was born. Definitely the hardest of my life. But I am so glad to have my little guy here. He brings so much laughter and joy to our family. His sisters adore him. (perhaps a bit too much!) So, BabyZ, I am so glad to be your Mommy. You are such a funny, silly, strong little man. I'm excited to watch you grow this next year. And your poor sisters--I think you will be able to hold your own very, very soon. Watch out world. Here he comes.